Cardiac consultant day

Today was the day of the cardiac consultant appointment, so predictably I was tense and irritable all day. Homer said he'd pick me up from work at 12:30 to take me to the appointment, because I don't drive anywhere I haven't been before, and I hadn't been there before. Plus I would have panicked I was going to be late, and panicked that I wouldn't find a parking place, and panicked that I couldn't find the place, all in all probably inducing another heart attack.

He didn't pick me up until 12:45 and then went for petrol, by which time I was screaming at him, OK so I was reacting badly to the whole stress thing.

We did get there, only slightly late, and the doctor of course was running even later, so all in all I wasn't late, and it gave me time to calm down to a background level of hysteria rather than outright homicidal rage.

I get into the doctor and he looks at me, sprightly young thing that I am and asks why I am there. Uh? because I was sent, because apparently I had a heart attack, and my blood pressure is really high. He looks at my ECG and says , ooh yes, lets do another one, to compare.

"Are you active?"
"No."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, not for three weeks, one day and two hours, not that I'm counting."


He got me to lie on the bed, "Strip off to the waist, everything including the bra." Off everything comes, and I'm a little uncomfortable lying half naked on a bed without so much as a sheet to cover my modesty whilst he attaches electrodes here, there and everywhere. " MM MM , uh uh ..ooh, "

"What, what, is it beating ? what?"

"Oh sorry, yes oh, um yes, oh see, yes you did have small heart attack. Only a small one though."
I'm thinking, " What? before or just now whilst you were putting the fear of god into me tutting over my ECG?"
" I'll just check your BP." He does this as I'm lying on the bed, still naked. "OOH, that's high." No s**t Sherlock a complete stranger has me lying semi naked on a bed.

"When was the last time you had a mammogram?"
"I haven't, I am too young for the regular program."
"Oh. I'll just do an exam then."
??? " Go for it, knock yourself out." He missed my sarcasm and copped a feel. "Very good." I have got a good rack on me but puleese you're a cardiologist. That was just a free grope because I'm twenty-five years younger than your normal patients. (Homer says actually I'm only fifteen years younger than his normal patients and therefore I qualify as old, and the doctor is a different sort of pervert, so that's OK then!)

He rechecked my blood pressure, which surprisingly enough was still high. "Would you like to put some clothes on?"
"Well actually, if you let me put some clothes on and give me a minute my BP may come down." It didn't though.

"Do you snore?"
"I don't know, I'm asleep."
"I think you have sleep apnoea, maybe you should have a test for that."
"Actually in the last two weeks I have found out that I have had a heart attack, have very high blood pressure and may be a diabetic. I am also becoming psychotic, if you don't believe me ask my family. Do you think we could hold off on yet another diagnosis?"

So upshot of the day,
Yes I had a heart attack, but it was only a small one.
Yes my blood pressure is very high, here are some tablets.
My cholesterol is fine, but that doesn't mean I can start eating lard butties again.
My breast exam was good. (who for?)
I have to have the diabetes test as that is the only reason someone as young as me has a heart attack.
No, I can't start smoking again, and yes I did ask him, you never know, he might have said yes!!!!

I went to a friends gym and enquired about personal training on the basis that losing weight and getting fit will lower my blood pressure, relieve my stress, remove my borderline diabetes and probably cure any sleep apnoea that I have.

Three weeks

So its officially three weeks that I've stopped smoking, actually its two weeks, six days, twenty-two hours and forty minutes, not that I'm counting or anything. At the moment the picture to left is my porn and fantasy still.

On the plus side my health is better. Actually it isn't in any visible way. I wasn't coughing before so I haven't stopped coughing. My blood pressure was too high before and still is, although I am willing to believe the suggestion that it still too high due to the temporary stress of quitting smoking.

I probably smell better, but then I couldn't smell me before.

I have saved a lot of money, which I have spent mainly on chips and chocolate, thus removing the money, and adding to my weight problem.

The garden is looking better as I have been attacking the weeds each time I felt like attacking a family member. After some consideration I have decided that I should have started digging a hole and continued each time I felt like attacking a family member. Now I'd have a swimming pool, or at least a hole big enough for whichever family member had annoyed me the most. (That's probably why the shovel was hidden along with the knives and spoons.)


It would appear that my sense of humour is returning, although at the moment it is a distant speck on the horizon, laughing at me , not with me.

I did however have a breakthrough this morning. I was at the checkout behind someone who smelt of stale cigarettes. It smelt horrible. I tapped them on the shoulder and said, " You stink, thank-you." Well, no I didn't. I have always hated the smell of stale cigarettes, except for the past three weeks, for which time they have smelt like some strange exotic food dish enticing me onwards. Now I just have to conquer the smell of fresh smoke.

Self improvement becomes more important..

I have been a bit patchy in my blog recently. The reason will become clear. Apparently I have a hard a heart attack (or two) without noticing. I went to the doctor with a shoulder pain that has been bugging me on and off for a while. While I was there they decided to do an ecg, for completeness. It was all very casual and friendly and then all of a sudden doors were shut and whispering behind curtains was happening. OOh I thought...

Serious face from nurse and doctor....."Just how often have you had this pain". After a short discussion I find I have had a heart attack, or two, and just didn't bother to tell anyone. So they took about two armfuls of blood and gave me a list.

I wish I could express surprise at this turn of events but when you've used a body as hard as I've used this one you really have to expect consequences.

1. Stop smoking.....well I'm on day four and if you need anyone assassinating I'll do it for a cigarette, actually I'll kill three people of your choice for a quick drag.
2. Stop with the caffeine...So no nicotine and no caffeine, I have now been asleep for three days.
2. Get less stress......anyone want a child? Numbers 1-4 are up for a good home. I will also have to get a new life, any-one got a spare one, stress free, up for grabs. I also got a yoga book from the library. The yoga won't relax me but imagining that I could ever get into some of those positions will be funny and that will be relaxing.
3. Stop eating pork dripping sandwiches....not a big loss, but the whole get my lunch ready in the morning thing is already a bit wearing, and eat breakfast. I already have a good diet, its just that I was enjoying the bad diet I was eating in addition to it.
4. Exercise...pah....I'll wait until I see the specialist and hope he tells me I can start smoking and start eating pork dripping again, I know it's not likely, but I have to have some hope of something.
One of the receptionists in the doctors has had a similar experience and just joined a gym. They did the flexibilty test and asked her to touch her toes whilst sitting down. Her response.." My toes, but I haven't seen them for three years, how could I possibly touch them?" (I can smugly say I could touch my toes from that position, but getting back out of the position proved a greater challenge.)
5. Start drinking....MMM....I honestly can't remember the last time I had alcohol and I'm told a few glasses of red wine here and there will be good for me.

Family reactions so far:

1. Husband: If he ignores it it will go away. A standard reaction but unfortunately not one available to me, but he has given up smoking in support.
2. Child #1: Stopped smoking in the house and now takes a torch to the bottom of the garden to sneak the occasional one. I can smell the next door neighbour smoking but not him. (There is of course the stress of wondering if a snake will get him in the dark.)
3. Child #2: Left home to live with boyfriend if can't smoke here.
4. Child #3 and 4: Too young to be told. Husband trying to deal with #4, and quitting smoking, which leads to loud shouting. This too shall pass.

Self improvement: attempt 2

In a massive fit of optimism I joined a weight loss program. I shall only post the results if they are good.

So far I had to fill in a questionnaire that included the question:

Only answer this if you are a woman: Are you pregnant? Y N

I was tempted, sorely tempted...I suspect if you were a man and answered it yes then they would be seeking to make money off you, or if you attempted to answer it you perhaps couldn't understand the program?

The program joining was part of my LSM (less slummy mummy) campaign. So far I have the hair and the good intentions. I am short the body, the clothes and the children. I am quite sure that non-slummy mummy's don't spend a fair percentage of their time dealing with my children. In fact yummy mummys probably only have to deal with the likes of #3, DVD king, and have a nanny to do that.

I am just aiming for less slummy, now what exactly is that smell and where is #4 in relation to it.

Later edit: Must go WW3 just broke out, #3 and #4 were fighting and one threw something at the computer screen and broke it..."it was him, it was him, he did it, it was him......" Silence as they realise mum hasn't come to adjudicate, she has come to punish. Two small boys are now in bed, very quiet. Actually too quiet, BRB.