Spider bite

The next door neighbours small boy (SBND) got bitten by a spider yesterday. The boys were in a big group "exploring" the nearby bush when a spider "chased #4". The spider was probably madly trying to get away from all the noise a group of small boys can make and bumped into the next door neighbours kid but the boys were adamant, it was chasing #4. ( The spider must not be part of the warning net work that surrounds #4 every where he goes.)

Description of spider: As big as my hand, (that's all the hands present). Black, brown, hairy, fat,thin, red glowing eyes.

Fang marks: present, but at least an inch and a half apart. One big spider.

Who saw it: The victim, on close questioning no-one else had seen it.

Symptoms: None, other small children kept asking if he was going to die, he kept asking if he was going to die, but he wasn't going to die.

The ambulance was called, those fang marks were a long way apart, we were thinking but not saying snake. We gave an antihistamine and applied an ice pack. (Standard first aid for bites.) After a bit of discussion the ambulance driver said " Oh yes, next door to #4"...As I said to my neighbour at least they know the street. (Actually in defence of #4 the ambulance has spent quite a bit of time next door as well, just not as much as here.)

The ambulance pulled up on our drive-way, " Hi Eve, How you going, what's he done now?"
"No its SBND, "
"Oh," short silence as paramedic re-adjusts his view of reality, "Right then, where's he at?"

He was carried off to the hospital while the ambulance man tried to get a description of the biting thing, he agreed those fang marks were a long way apart. The thing was now at least three feet across, but wasn't getting snake like. Good news.

Long lectures were given on the wisdom of going bare foot in the bush.

It was probably a huntsman spider because the size of the bite. Luckily SBND was home again a few hours later. He'd stopped asking if he was going to die and started asking if they could go to McD's on the way home. Huntsman spiders are nasty, you think you're not keen on spiders and then you find one of them in your shower or car and realise that actually you're petrified of spiders. The biggest one I've seen was about six inches across, and that is way too big for a good nights sleep when you know it's in the house.

Number 4, 50,0000 : the Green ants nil

As I type #3 and #4 are in the garden up a tree. Typical boy behaviour. What the non tropical readers may not know is that trees in the tropics are where green ants live. Green ants are nasty little critters that attack anything and anyone any where near their nests, their nests are in trees....

#4 made a foray up there earlier and was attacked. He has gone back, covered in bites, to get his revenge. He is wildly beating the nest with a stick and the ants are wildly biting him. Don't worry nature lovers, the ants and #4 will survive. The picture is #3 showing me another green ant nest in the lemon tree.

#1 was asked to go on the roof earlier for some aerial adjustment so I could watch the diving and refused because there was one green ant on the fence...that is how nasty the bites are, and what a big jessy #1 is.

PS:
I know it is probably a reflection of my age but one of the men in the ten metre board diving final has a belly button ring. It just seems, well, wrong.

No-one will let me watch....

It's official, I'm the only person in the world who hasn't seen Usain Bolt's 200m run in the Beijing Olympics. I was at work for the final, I missed the replay, and the world has moved on.

I tried to find it on you tube, and kept getting redirected to porn sites. What's that about? (And the one site that wasn't porn was a Croatian travel documentary.) I tried the world news services. The BBC wouldn't let me watch because I was outside their area, the Americans wanted to install spy ware on my computer and the Australian sites only had videos of every Australian medal in recorded history.

I shall watch the 4x100 and hope no-one drops the baton before his turn. Croatia looked nice though.

PS It was too quiet after I sent #3 and #4 to bed the other night. #3 had shut #4 in the wardrobe. This is not the way things normally work, #3 is usually the victim. Maybe living close to #4 is teaching him a few tricks, ones I'd rather he didn't know. Number 4 was working on getting out though, he'd unscrewed the wardrobe door, but then it had jammed in the hole. At least I got to find the screwdriver after I'd rescued him.

Self improvement: attempt 2

In a massive fit of optimism I joined a weight loss program. I shall only post the results if they are good.

So far I had to fill in a questionnaire that included the question:

Only answer this if you are a woman: Are you pregnant? Y N

I was tempted, sorely tempted...I suspect if you were a man and answered it yes then they would be seeking to make money off you, or if you attempted to answer it you perhaps couldn't understand the program?

The program joining was part of my LSM (less slummy mummy) campaign. So far I have the hair and the good intentions. I am short the body, the clothes and the children. I am quite sure that non-slummy mummy's don't spend a fair percentage of their time dealing with my children. In fact yummy mummys probably only have to deal with the likes of #3, DVD king, and have a nanny to do that.

I am just aiming for less slummy, now what exactly is that smell and where is #4 in relation to it.

Later edit: Must go WW3 just broke out, #3 and #4 were fighting and one threw something at the computer screen and broke it..."it was him, it was him, he did it, it was him......" Silence as they realise mum hasn't come to adjudicate, she has come to punish. Two small boys are now in bed, very quiet. Actually too quiet, BRB.

Finally

Finally and at long last I've figured out how to download photos onto my computer from my camera, and find them again. Believe it or not this is one plant!



I call it the tomato tree. ( PS: if you need a smiley saturday post read the next one down!)

Raising #4

Put this child in camouflage pants and a red t-shirt, now sit a black cat on the back of the skate board. Now imagine that it's your child. Now you know what raising number four is all about. My sister sent me a series of these pictures because she saw them and thought of me. (I'm holding back the picture of the mother clutching a bottle of valium in one hand and a gin in the other.)

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A bath takes about half an hour to overflow if you block the overflow with your sister's best underwear. If you time it right no-one spots this until they step out of bed in the morning onto a wet carpet, at the other end of the house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with a skate board, they can ignite. This scares the cat and the chickens.

3. A 6-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded shopping centre, particularly if they are saying, " Why did you call that lady an interfering old bag mummy?".

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 8m x 4m room, especially a newly decorated bedroom following the insurance payout on the fire you started.

5. You should not throw cricket or golf balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way, fast enough to go through a window as well. A ceiling fan can be relied on to cut your brothers head if you throw him off a bunk bed into it, or if he is hit by a rebounding golf ball.

6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan, and its unbelievable just how much glass there is in a window.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. (note for mothers: when sibling asks where his new action figure is play dumb, unless you want another uh oh moment.)

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. (Enough to set off the smoke alarm, get the neighbours to ring the fire brigade, and the local fire captain to ring you and ask if your house is really on fire, or has your son set off the fire alarm, got another child stuck on your roof, another roof, in a tree, etc. etc.)

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. (Magnifying glasses given to small children as presents should be broken at the earliest opportunity.)

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy. When you ask if he's seen it he'll answer " Seen what?, where?"

11. Play dough and or worms and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is not forever, but it can feel like it.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in the bath you still can't walk on water.

14. White baths turn pink when filled with raspberry, blackcurrant and strawberry jelly crystal solution.

15. VCR's do not eject Mars bars when you hide them from your sister in there. The insurance/warranty doesn't cover it. ( That was actually #1.)

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. (#1)

17. Marbles in air conditioning units make lots of noise, as does gravel. (back to #4).

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is, but you are going to find out.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. (see item 18)

20. The fire department has a 15-minute response time, following a phone call by them to confirm. The police will arrive some time today, we're always good for a laugh. The ambulance response is "Drive him in, we'll get a bed and some sutures ready, do you think he broke anything THIS TIME." They usually want to know if its the victim (#3) or villain (#4).

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. Bleach kills grass, and writing your own name is a bit of a give away.

25. Loosening the bolts that hold the seats in the car can be dangerous, particularly the driver's seat.

With thanks to the original version......(I know not wence it came, I just changed it to things #4 had done, my list is longer.)

Why do I work here?

I went back to work today after a weeks holiday. A weeks holiday with the children at school.....bad mother, but oh what bliss.

I went in , the eftpos was broken, the printer was broken, the dispensary looked like #1's bedroom (but I couldn't shut the door on it and walk away). Ah "Happy happy joy joy."

Mid morning the phone rang, and one of the girls answered, I overheard her say " Oh hi X". Now X is my phone stalker, he is a lovely man but he does like to talk to me, a lot, and after the morning I'd had I wasn't quite up to it. I knew he would ask if I was back from my holiday.

I madly waved at my colleague, saying in a low voice " Tell him I'm on holiday til tomorrow"

My colleague, " X, She says to tell you that she's on holiday til tomorrow." (I can feel the karmic wave as flows towards me now.)