Thursday, August 14, 2008

Raising #4

Put this child in camouflage pants and a red t-shirt, now sit a black cat on the back of the skate board. Now imagine that it's your child. Now you know what raising number four is all about. My sister sent me a series of these pictures because she saw them and thought of me. (I'm holding back the picture of the mother clutching a bottle of valium in one hand and a gin in the other.)

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A bath takes about half an hour to overflow if you block the overflow with your sister's best underwear. If you time it right no-one spots this until they step out of bed in the morning onto a wet carpet, at the other end of the house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with a skate board, they can ignite. This scares the cat and the chickens.

3. A 6-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded shopping centre, particularly if they are saying, " Why did you call that lady an interfering old bag mummy?".

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 8m x 4m room, especially a newly decorated bedroom following the insurance payout on the fire you started.

5. You should not throw cricket or golf balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way, fast enough to go through a window as well. A ceiling fan can be relied on to cut your brothers head if you throw him off a bunk bed into it, or if he is hit by a rebounding golf ball.

6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan, and its unbelievable just how much glass there is in a window.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. (note for mothers: when sibling asks where his new action figure is play dumb, unless you want another uh oh moment.)

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. (Enough to set off the smoke alarm, get the neighbours to ring the fire brigade, and the local fire captain to ring you and ask if your house is really on fire, or has your son set off the fire alarm, got another child stuck on your roof, another roof, in a tree, etc. etc.)

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. (Magnifying glasses given to small children as presents should be broken at the earliest opportunity.)

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy. When you ask if he's seen it he'll answer " Seen what?, where?"

11. Play dough and or worms and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is not forever, but it can feel like it.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in the bath you still can't walk on water.

14. White baths turn pink when filled with raspberry, blackcurrant and strawberry jelly crystal solution.

15. VCR's do not eject Mars bars when you hide them from your sister in there. The insurance/warranty doesn't cover it. ( That was actually #1.)

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. (#1)

17. Marbles in air conditioning units make lots of noise, as does gravel. (back to #4).

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is, but you are going to find out.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. (see item 18)

20. The fire department has a 15-minute response time, following a phone call by them to confirm. The police will arrive some time today, we're always good for a laugh. The ambulance response is "Drive him in, we'll get a bed and some sutures ready, do you think he broke anything THIS TIME." They usually want to know if its the victim (#3) or villain (#4).

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. Bleach kills grass, and writing your own name is a bit of a give away.

25. Loosening the bolts that hold the seats in the car can be dangerous, particularly the driver's seat.

With thanks to the original version......(I know not wence it came, I just changed it to things #4 had done, my list is longer.)


Anonymous said...

You have entire book there, waiting to be written!

You must have the patience of a saint and I can only imagine the speach that will accompany #4's acceptance of his Nobel prize for inventing something random.

Life can't be boring!

Anonymous said...

Fantastic (if it is not your children or house).

Anonymous said...

Too funny. Until four or five years ago I'd have read it and not believed half the things on the list were true.

My Sister in law has 4 children 19yo girl, 17yo boy, 4yo boy and 3yo boy and having spent time with #3 and #4 I'd believe everything on that list and more.

Melissa said...

Bet this kid thinks he can fly.

If you're holding an umbrella, you can jump from anything and just float down.

Playing with tarantulas is a game.

Good job. It's just as I remember my brothers.