Balls and ceiling fans..

Did you know that on average it takes at least ten throws to get a small rubber ball to hit the ceiling fan when you start trying. Once you have practiced a while you can get it every time. The level of difficulty rises as you slow the fan down.

Small rubber balls make small round marks on the walls where they hit.

Larger balls such as tennis balls hit the fan more easily and leave large marks on the wall, especially if you wet them in the cats water bowl first.

Sponge balls don't hit the wall as hard, but if you dip them in something brightly coloured like, I don't know, tomato ketchup, when they do hit they make a really big splat shape.

Mum hid all the cricket balls after you broke the window.
Mum hid all the golf balls after you broke your brothers head.

Bike lock chains padlocked to the ceiling fan make a loud noise that alerts mum to what you are up to, now is not a good time to forget the combination or lose the key.

Mum is quite cross, especially about the bent ceiling fan. Now proves not to be a very good time to tell mum about the hit rate with differing sized balls at different fan speeds. This is especially true at six in the morning.

Washing walls is hard.

Phone calls from the other side...

A few good phone calls at work this week...

Caller: I want to know if you have my insulin.
Me: What brand is it?
C: My insulin
M: What is it called?
C: Do you have my insulin?
M: What is your name?
C: Why, I want my insulin?
M: So I can see which insulin you use and see if we have it.
C: I get five boxes at a time
M: Yes, but which insulin is it? We have many different brands.
C: Look, it's Mrs X here have you got my insulin or not? ( She sounds annoyed)
( I have a name, I check her history and the fridge.)
M: Yes, we have your insulin.
C: How much is it?
M: Five dollars.
C: For five boxes?
M: Yes, for five boxes, the same as you always pay.
C: So, have you got my insulin?
M: crackles paper next to phone....sorry I can't hear you...crackle crackle...we have your insulin...crackle crackle....just bring your prescription.
C: Have....you.....got...my.....insulin....?

Oh gee....

Caller: Do you sell blood pressure machines?
Me: Yes we do, we have several different ones.
C: Oh, what are they.
M: There are ones that fit on your arm and ones for your wrist.
C: Your where?
M: On your arm, around the top, like at the doctor, or ones that go on your wrist.
C: Your arms and where?
M: Your wrist.
C: Where?
M: Your wrist, like a watch.
C: Where?
M: The bottom of your arm, near your hand.
C: Where?
M: They aren't very good, you need the one that goes on your arm.
C: Where?

Pheww....

Spider bite

The next door neighbours small boy (SBND) got bitten by a spider yesterday. The boys were in a big group "exploring" the nearby bush when a spider "chased #4". The spider was probably madly trying to get away from all the noise a group of small boys can make and bumped into the next door neighbours kid but the boys were adamant, it was chasing #4. ( The spider must not be part of the warning net work that surrounds #4 every where he goes.)

Description of spider: As big as my hand, (that's all the hands present). Black, brown, hairy, fat,thin, red glowing eyes.

Fang marks: present, but at least an inch and a half apart. One big spider.

Who saw it: The victim, on close questioning no-one else had seen it.

Symptoms: None, other small children kept asking if he was going to die, he kept asking if he was going to die, but he wasn't going to die.

The ambulance was called, those fang marks were a long way apart, we were thinking but not saying snake. We gave an antihistamine and applied an ice pack. (Standard first aid for bites.) After a bit of discussion the ambulance driver said " Oh yes, next door to #4"...As I said to my neighbour at least they know the street. (Actually in defence of #4 the ambulance has spent quite a bit of time next door as well, just not as much as here.)

The ambulance pulled up on our drive-way, " Hi Eve, How you going, what's he done now?"
"No its SBND, "
"Oh," short silence as paramedic re-adjusts his view of reality, "Right then, where's he at?"

He was carried off to the hospital while the ambulance man tried to get a description of the biting thing, he agreed those fang marks were a long way apart. The thing was now at least three feet across, but wasn't getting snake like. Good news.

Long lectures were given on the wisdom of going bare foot in the bush.

It was probably a huntsman spider because the size of the bite. Luckily SBND was home again a few hours later. He'd stopped asking if he was going to die and started asking if they could go to McD's on the way home. Huntsman spiders are nasty, you think you're not keen on spiders and then you find one of them in your shower or car and realise that actually you're petrified of spiders. The biggest one I've seen was about six inches across, and that is way too big for a good nights sleep when you know it's in the house.

Number 4, 50,0000 : the Green ants nil

As I type #3 and #4 are in the garden up a tree. Typical boy behaviour. What the non tropical readers may not know is that trees in the tropics are where green ants live. Green ants are nasty little critters that attack anything and anyone any where near their nests, their nests are in trees....

#4 made a foray up there earlier and was attacked. He has gone back, covered in bites, to get his revenge. He is wildly beating the nest with a stick and the ants are wildly biting him. Don't worry nature lovers, the ants and #4 will survive. The picture is #3 showing me another green ant nest in the lemon tree.

#1 was asked to go on the roof earlier for some aerial adjustment so I could watch the diving and refused because there was one green ant on the fence...that is how nasty the bites are, and what a big jessy #1 is.

PS:
I know it is probably a reflection of my age but one of the men in the ten metre board diving final has a belly button ring. It just seems, well, wrong.

No-one will let me watch....

It's official, I'm the only person in the world who hasn't seen Usain Bolt's 200m run in the Beijing Olympics. I was at work for the final, I missed the replay, and the world has moved on.

I tried to find it on you tube, and kept getting redirected to porn sites. What's that about? (And the one site that wasn't porn was a Croatian travel documentary.) I tried the world news services. The BBC wouldn't let me watch because I was outside their area, the Americans wanted to install spy ware on my computer and the Australian sites only had videos of every Australian medal in recorded history.

I shall watch the 4x100 and hope no-one drops the baton before his turn. Croatia looked nice though.

PS It was too quiet after I sent #3 and #4 to bed the other night. #3 had shut #4 in the wardrobe. This is not the way things normally work, #3 is usually the victim. Maybe living close to #4 is teaching him a few tricks, ones I'd rather he didn't know. Number 4 was working on getting out though, he'd unscrewed the wardrobe door, but then it had jammed in the hole. At least I got to find the screwdriver after I'd rescued him.

Self improvement: attempt 2

In a massive fit of optimism I joined a weight loss program. I shall only post the results if they are good.

So far I had to fill in a questionnaire that included the question:

Only answer this if you are a woman: Are you pregnant? Y N

I was tempted, sorely tempted...I suspect if you were a man and answered it yes then they would be seeking to make money off you, or if you attempted to answer it you perhaps couldn't understand the program?

The program joining was part of my LSM (less slummy mummy) campaign. So far I have the hair and the good intentions. I am short the body, the clothes and the children. I am quite sure that non-slummy mummy's don't spend a fair percentage of their time dealing with my children. In fact yummy mummys probably only have to deal with the likes of #3, DVD king, and have a nanny to do that.

I am just aiming for less slummy, now what exactly is that smell and where is #4 in relation to it.

Later edit: Must go WW3 just broke out, #3 and #4 were fighting and one threw something at the computer screen and broke it..."it was him, it was him, he did it, it was him......" Silence as they realise mum hasn't come to adjudicate, she has come to punish. Two small boys are now in bed, very quiet. Actually too quiet, BRB.

Finally

Finally and at long last I've figured out how to download photos onto my computer from my camera, and find them again. Believe it or not this is one plant!



I call it the tomato tree. ( PS: if you need a smiley saturday post read the next one down!)