Phone tales #1

We carry phones around at work. The advantage is that we can be found anywhere at any time to answer queries and problems from our wards. The disadvantage is that we can be found at any time to answer queries and problems...

Of course remembering to carry these phones everywhere can be challenging for some of us.

Colleague: Has any one seen my phone?

Us: No, try ringing it.

Colleague: Yeah, I'll do that.

A loud ringing is heard from the colleague. She looks down. Her phone is attached to a lanyard around her neck........
(and these are not small handsets, think brick sized.)

You know you've been at work too long when...

Colleague." Is there a dead lion?"

Me: "No"

Time passes.

Me: "Why are you asking me about dead lions?"

Colleague: " No. A dead line."

Me" "Oh."

Heard over a hospital bed today...

No No NO I said his left not your left.

Reasons for not bathing ...

It's always been a bit of a problem getting #4 clean, and now he's finally told me why. Apparently water makes his skin feel "funny". When pushed I discover that "funny" means "wet" and/or "clean". I suggested maybe a shower instead of a bath. He assures me that that would be even worse, as it would involve getting his hair wet.

I pointed out to him that getting wet didn't cause him any problems when it meant playing in the storm drains . He assured me that that is different, as the water is already dirty in there.

Short but sweet....

Child 2's most memorable report comment. She changed schools in her last year, and with great trouble and after loud demands was put into a manual arts class. (Woodwork and stuff).

End of year report for manual arts: "#2 who? "

She hadn't attended a single lesson and the teacher thought her name was a mistake on his enrolment list. At least it explained why I didn't get a new mug tree and stool that year.

Number one seeks work..

Number one went for his year ten equivalency test on Saturday. He needs to do this test to join the Navy. We are sure he completed year ten but for some reason his records have disappeared. We know he completed year ten because we have a report card from year eleven, issued on the same day as a letter explaining to us that school probably wasn't the right place for our uneducatable son.

"Uneducatable, is that a word? " I asked.

"It is now." replied a clearly traumatised year eleven co-ordinator. (I'm sure she didn't have that twitch when I first met her, strange, oh well.)

The lack of formal education, and what can only be described as atrocious report cards, have understandably held him back in the job market. He's going to join the Navy. (Army, risk of shooting self: Air force, risk of falling out of sky: Navy, hard to shoot oneself with a cannon pointed away from the boat.)

So year ten equivalency test. He says it was easy. Most of the questions were really easy and the answers were written down anyway. Further prompting led me to the conclusion it was a multiple choice exam, with some graph reading. I had to use torture to get that much information out of him (I told him his play station controller was broken).

I took him for a beep test as well. He has to get to six point two to get in. (That's quite fast.) I got to two point two. I was pleased with that, after all three months ago I thought the only thing faster than walking was driving in a car. He only got to four, and then we had to push his nicotine stained lungs back up his nose with a stick.

Beep test: Pointless running of laps between two markers twenty meters apart, in time to beeps that get gradually faster and closer together. Invented by the KGB as a method of keeping warm in Siberia.

Report time...

As you can imagine school report time is an "interesting" one in our house. When it involved #1 and #2 school report time was signalled by #2 handing over a pristine piece of paper, her halo gently shining in the afternoon sunlight. Her report was full of comments such as "A pleasure to teach", "wonderful student", "helpful", "interested" and "lovely attitude".

Before my head could fill up with pictures of my cherubic children gazing wide eyed and excited into the world of learning I would wake myself up with the knowledge that I now had to search #1 and his environs for his report. This was full of such gems as "lacks concentration", "disruptive" and "if I could read his hand writing maybe his marks would be higher." This report would be found crunched up with a few rips and possibly holding some half chewed chewing gum in the bottom of his school bag. On one occasion it was in a puddle next to where the car was parked on report day. I was called into school the next day and presented with the evidence of my child's "careless disregard" for the school's authority.

My favorite comment from this era was on #2's report. "Hard to believe she is the sister of #1."

Time passes and now the school has to deal with #3, they heave a sigh of relief as they realise they have a shiny new version of #2. Then comes #4.

Pop quiz...guess who these are about.

"Thinks outside the box", "has a refreshingly different view on many subjects", "a master of independent thinking", "has an old mind, we can only hope it's Isaac Newton's and not Attila the Hun's" (That last from the religious studies teacher).

At the bottom of the report is a section advising whether a parent interview is required. Number three doesn't require a parent interview ("No" box ticked). Hand-written in the small area at the bottom of #4's report " The regular weekly update should suffice."