Computer help lines....paaahhh!!!

Recently my modem has been going slower and slower, my theory is that the hamster inside has died, but Homer says " No, We have the latest cutting edge, for North Queensland, technology. Me big hunter me will fix."

Uh hu...I go to work, come home, go to bed, go to work...and all the time he is huddled in front of the computer, fixing it. Having fixed and fiddled with everything he can he is reduced to phoning the telephone provider.... " Nah mate snot the line", the Internet provider, " Nah mate have you rung the phone company? " and finally our service provider.

"Well", says the obviously 15 year old spotty youth at the other end of the phone line, reading I would think from some sort of how to help flow chart guide ," is the computer turned on?" There was small pause here while Homer explained that, yes it was turned on. ( I can't laugh too loud I have been asked this question about an appliance that wasn't turned on...I was very embarrassed.) yes, the modem is plugged in, yes, the phone bill has been paid and no he hasn't stopped the account.

"Right", says aforementioned spotty youth, "is the modem showing signs of scorching or melting?" What???? I think we would have noticed if it was on fire. "OK", says youth, "what error message can you see?"......Homer reads out message. Spotty youth hasn't come across this message before so there's a rustling as he goes to find his supervisor ( phone a friend? if he has one? ). Spotty youth returns and no he hasn't seen message before. Homer then explains that he has searched the message on the Internet and found a fix, he needs to uninstall the modem. The modem however has other ideas, and has spread like a virus through every computer system and when he tries to uninstall it he gets the error message " F********F".

"Oh" says spotty youth "I've never seen that before." Me neither says Homer, I was hoping the help desk would be able to help me. Silence. Silence continues, we think spotty youth is holding his breath and pretending line has gone dead.
Oh well says Homer and hangs up.

He then spends three hours painstakingly going through every file on the computer uninstalling the modem.
Now we need a new modem. We ring the electronics shop where some one tells us a new modem, the same as the one we have, will be $99. OK? Homer mentions that last time we got a kit for $50 with the modem in it. Yes, says voice we have those, and the modem in the kit is better. DUH! OK, we'll be down for one of those then.

Half an hour later at the shop a spotty youth says, no they don't have the kits , well they've got a disk but no modem. I ask suspiciously if he works for any help lines. Homer puts his hand over my mouth and explains that we rang earlier and they had a modem then. Spotty youth says it must have been much earlier, like last week man, and they've sold it. Homer very calmly, I thought, says no, we rang HALF AN HOUR AGO. Spotty youth scurries out the back and returns with modem.

Modem now installed and working. Hence new post.May all spotty youths have their spots explode. Peace!