Driving lesson ( part 2)

Homer's birthday today so we get a phone call from Grumpy at 8.30am ( puleeese I'm on holiday here) asking which discworld novel his dad hasn't got yet. I tell him begrudgingly, as that puts a spanner in the works for next year's Christmas present. Well I've got 12 months to think of something else. Later he turns up without the Troll, clutching his L plates and the book for Homer's birthday. maybe the Troll was silent through fear yesterday? The book works and Homer takes him out driving again, in his car this time.
Things went better. Grumpy only looked away from the road to change gear........(that may need work) ......and only failed to stop at junctions. He stopped every other time he was asked. H says he took him somewhere quiet to practise stopping ( not starting you note) before he let him out on the road. Once on the road all that left him. It seems every one will get out of the way when they see him coming. I didn't want to ask if indicators were in use yet. It brought a picture to my mind of how H would be if HE was behind their car while all this was going on. later when I went for my nanny nap Grumpy asked if they could go again....the answer was no.....it was such a loud no that it woke me up. At least he's keen to improve .

Grumpy has his first driving lesson

You'll have to excuse any typos, I've only just stopped laughing. Grumpy and the Troll turned up earlier, good to see them but what were they after? Apparently I was going to take him for a driving lesson.......news to me. Homer agreed to do it in my car. They came back and when he could speak again, which was about two hours later, he told me the story. Grumpy thought he could drive because he's driven an automatic, in a straight line. He can't.

Homer to Grumpy " Press the clutch in"
G to H " what all the way?"
H "yes, now put the car in first gear,"
G " what?"
H " In first gear".......long explanation of clutches and gears.
H " Right put the car in first gear, let the clutch off slowly.......holy ******.......I said slowly and, " peeling nose off windscreen," what about the hand brake!"
G " Hand brake?"
H: " Right , press in the clutch, put the car in first gear and then let out the clutch slowly whilst releasing the handbrake, and pressing lightly on the accelerator..................holy********** take your foot of the accelerator...holy****" At this point Homer says he was considering punching him unconcious but couldn't figure out how to reach the keys once he'd done it. They made some progress, now accompanied only by screams of " Get on your own side of the road, get back on the road, out of the f****** ditch, slow down, get your foot off the clutch, slow down" Homer reckons maybe the Troll's father had taken Grumpy out and it had scared him so much he was going to sell his new tank so he didn't have to do it again.
Turning point. At the end of the road H tells Grumpy to slowly turn across the road, which he does , but H hadn't told him to stop, so he kept going,up the kerb and into a field. Now, my cars only a little car so I'm quite worried about what may have gone on there. Next reversing ( out of a muddy field), Homer says he'll see about a new clutch next week. He must have got better though because Homer let him drive home. This led to the T junction at the bottom of our street.
H to G " Now slow down and go into first, slow down, SLOW DOWN.....TURN, TURN, OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF **** TURN" At which point Homer grabbed the steering wheel and turned the car.
After Homer had related this to me, in fits and starts, clasping whisky to his chest, I thought I would cheer him up. Guess what ...they have to do ten hours of night driving before they get a licence now. That brought on a bit of a relapse I'm afraid, and I had to refill the whisky glass.

While all this was going on the Troll was in the back seat of the car. Too scared to stay in the house with me? Hope so. Any way she never said a word, or screamed, or anything. It was either blind panic or she has more balls than I thought. Homer said she was very good, kept saying calm down and keep it cool and stuff , but I'm not sure if that was to Homer or Grumpy.


They're coming back tomorrow, guess what, I'm not taking them out driving.

Back to work and the home front

Now I know why they wanted me back at work this week, there was no-one else there, except customers. Come on people, you shopped till you dropped before Christmas, stop coming to see me!! I went in yesterday and the boss was running round and round in ever decreasing circles. ( This was 7:30am.) Am I late I asked.....apparently not, apparently I'd picked a good week to have off. The power had been off, hence everything else, and the phones had been off so the eftpos didn't work. The phones not working a definite plus other than that slight problem. I always seem to get the people trying to get me to diagnose meningitis or woop woop fever or lesser spotted arrow foot disease over the phone. See a doctor, I say,.....oh, but you can tell me can't you....NO I can't....I can't see you. I don't know what your rash looks like and it's quite possible I don't want to. Mind it could be worse, they do come in and show me their interesting rashes in weird places as well. That I don't need at 8am.

I'd only left the family for two days and already the phone calls from home. Homer from the supermarket.." What pastry do you use for feta and spinach rolls?"...." Filo" I reply. "Where's that then?" ....." In the same freezer compartment as the other pastry, freezer row nearest the door, far end, right hand door." Shuffling noises followed by.." Will shortcrust or puff pastry do? " .."Well I guess if they don't have filo, are you sure there's no filo?"...Rattling noises, distant curses and the sound of a freezer alarm going off because he's had the door open so long. " How about spring roll wraps?"...." Well I guess.....are you sure there's no filo? in a box about 3 inches high and 12 long."
Short silence, followed by " Oh, these boxes marked filo" .....Longer silence from my end of phone , then " Yes dear , that's it." Ho hum.

Grumpy got his learners permit yesterday as well. Apparently the Troll got hers too, and the Troll's dad is going to teach them both to drive. He got a new car just before Christmas. A huge great big four wheel drive to tow a boat. Hope his insurance is good. ( I know it's not nice to laugh, but really, teaching two teenagers to drive in a brand new tank, hope it's not me they hit .)

So This is Christmas

It' s unnatural , Christmas in the tropics. About 38C today and I'm cooking a full roast dinner, mad dogs and Englishmen.

All in all a very good day. We put the small dwarfs to bed late, about 11.30pm , last night , then did the emergency run to the late night servo for batteries, then roped the older ones in to wrap presents and filled the yawning gap under the tree. Psycho of course kept getting up, and I kept putting him back to bed. The last time he said to me "It's no good, I know he's already been, there's a scooter outside my bedroom window." This was at 2am, so I gave him the mother laser death stare and he returned to bed.

5.30am and we're off. Mad present unwrapping, construction of towers and finding of lost pieces in the sack of rubbish. Peace, perfect peace as extended playing got underway. Aah. Dopey was very impressed with her new phone so we're probably talking again. I don't actually know as she's not been off the phone since she got it, about twelve hours and counting. Grumpy returned to the Troll's before dinner but after he played with the small dwarfs and before he pissed me off so that was good. ( Only five phone calls from the Troll in twenty-four hours which is a record.)

We had duck for lunch ( about 6pm, before that we were all on chocolate overload) which I'd never actually cooked before. It was good.

Happy fell asleep about 5pm and had to be put to bed, he'd had a long day and hasn't the endurance of Psycho.

Then my favourite, the phone call from my domestically challenged sister (DCS), my father and my technologically challenged sister (TCS). Their Christmas was going well, though the DCS had to be demoted to under sous chef, and reading between the lines this was causing a few problems and the potatoes had to be rescued from her before chopping commenced. TCS doesn't appear to have broken anything at work recently. I think this is because they have wrapped her and all her lab equipment in kapok suits following the great gas chromatograph incident. That was expensive, very expensive. DCS has been doing a blog of her wassailing exploits which is very entertaining, but I think the opposition should do one. This would detail their side of the great who does what and who gets a solo debate. Actually she was very fair on that, but I do wonder if her cough may have disrupted the performance. I told TCS to say she'd found blog detailing DCS's appalling behaviour at the wassail, but I don't think she will. After all these years she may be wise to the causes of sibling arguments...damn.

It is now 10pm and peace reigns. I am on the computer because the Australian version of a great Christmas ratings war involves a professional ballroom dancing contest and some subtitled Japanese film about mass murder, I think, it was very hard to follow; and I haven't started on the booze yet. I'm off now to start on the booze. Happy Christmas.

What I want for Christmas

The dwarfs are revolting. I do mean having a revolution, not physically repellent. Well not always anyway.
Grumpy has revealed he may visit over Christmas to collect his present(s) ; and I expect in his case to empty the fridge and larder of all food and anything not actually labelled toxic, but maybe some of that too.
Dopey is still not speaking to me on account of me asking her about her sex site. I also told her off for taking my phone to use after she lost hers. This is absolutely intolerable for her. Do I not know that if she isn't on the phone at least twelve hours in every twenty four she will die. None of her friends will ever speak to her again and she will die. Homer and I have decided a new phone for Christmas instead of the lap top, but it will be a cheap one as it is now phone#9 or 10.
Happy is happy inside his little bubble. I wonder what goes on on planet happy but whatever it is keeps him content. There are rumblings, however, about an X box game about star wars. I feel an emergency last minute visit to over priced bits of plastic r us coming on. This is the only child that seems happy and well adjusted, partly due to his incomprehension of anything going on around him. I don't want to rock this boat. I must keep him happy, he gives good hug.
Psycho, his present list consisted of only two items. A motor bike and a snake. I know he is the reincarnation of some Hells Angel somewhere, I know it. A brief history of my special child. (As a teacher once commented to me dryly.. yes he's special...very special.) I took it as a compliment, well I had to, it was either that or cry. As a newborn I had to stop breast feeding after the midwife told me he was screaming so much that he was losing his voice, turned out he just has a very deep voice. At the age of three he took the seats out of the car, at four he dismantled the air conditioning. We have to warn tradesmen " Don't put your tools down " They don't believe us and then whoops he's dismantled their chain saw, or something. At four they asked him in child care how old he was. Forty-three. The scary thing was this increased year by year until very recently. He has definitely been here before, and he's come back to do something in particular. My role is to feed him until he's old enough to do it.
And me, well Homer asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I could come up with was either some-one else's life, as long as it was better than mine, or a quick argument about why he was asking me that on Christmas eve.

Phone call from the other reality

Today I got a welcome phone call from my little sister, otherwise known as DCS, the domestically challenged one. She's on the other side of the world and has only just entered the wonderful world of motherhood. I wanted to know that she had got the gift I sent, which she had.
Included in the parcel were her wedding gifts, which were a little late. ( About three years?) I'd also knitted a little blanket and a soft jacket for bub. I'm glad to say she seemed pleased with the knitting. I'm the only one of my siblings who got the knitting/ sewing gene from mum so I must admit I think she's easily impressed but it's a pleasure to do. Apparently her significant other was very impressed with the jacket... "Where did she get that?"..."She knitted it"...."She knitted THAT"... . I told her that was a step up from Homer's response. He thinks knitting is some form of witchcraft, and the fact that I can knit whilst reading a book, spawn of the devil obviously. They also liked the blanket, though I have my doubts on that. I thought the blanky a little stiff. ( I had trouble folding it to get it in the box to post it as I'd knitted it on smaller needles than I should to make it tight, an approach that was a little too successful.) Apparently sis proudly tucked the blanket round bub while she was in her bouncing chair, tucked might be pushing it here, cracked, folded ? When she looked round bub was holding it. My sis is so excited, that's the first thing she's held. I, however, think bub was showing uncommon good taste and trying to remove blanky from her person in case any-one saw it.

Why she's called Dopey

Readers may think I'm cruel to nickname child number two Dopey but today was going to be Christmas shopping part two, until this.
Homer and I were in the electronics superstore looking at laptops for her. We're not sure why she wants one, except we have already told her no Internet. Her history of downloading things on the home computer involves a lot of viruses and unsuitable websites. ( One reason for calling her Dopey.) We were actually at the check out when I asked hubby to check, will she even use this without Internet? Why does she want an inbuilt camera? Is she setting up her own sex site? He rang her on her mobile, no answer. He rang her on the land line, answer. Why didn't you answer your mobile? She told him she hadn't heard it. By this time we were out of the queue, I hate people on mobiles in the queue so I don't do it! We considered her response for a while, the fact that she dies if separated by more than three inches from her mobile, the fact that we hadn't seen it or heard it. We rang it again, no answer. We rang home again. Hubby asked her had she lost it. Yes she had.
This is phone 7 or 8 she has "misplaced" . We put the laptop back. You can get a phone for $49, the laptop was $400.
Her response when we got home? It's not fair, we were never going to buy the laptop anyway, some one stole the phone. At this point hubby pointed out that we have to surgically separate her from her phone when necessary.. what happened. Her excuse..at a party she had got in some one's car and couldn't fit in it with her phone in her pocket so she gave it to some one she's not sure who! What! What! How small was this car? Who was in it? Where did they go? You get the picture. Bad choices and the teen...my daughter. Hubby grounded her, she ran off..same old same old where she's concerned.

Christmas shopping (Part 1)

Oh how I hate Christmas shopping. It's the crowds mainly and that lost sheep thing that goes on. There were people everywhere and screaming children. Why would you bring your children Christmas shopping? Why? And always someone in front of me at the checkout paying in pennies, or querying this or that, that's what the enquiry desk is for for Pete's sake! I got Grumpy and Homer ( my husband ) done and most of the Santa shop for Happy and Psycho. Also my distant relatives but still have to back in tomorrow for Dopey ( 15).
My new years resolution is to get fit enough to do a commando course, then I might manage the Christmas shopping.

Grumpy comes to town

Today my 16 ( nearly 17) yr old son otherwise known as Grumpy came on visit. Here's a bit of back story on that. He got thrown out of school in July and ended up on a program for the unemployable. You know the ones, the kids who look a bit psychotic, who turn up for a job interview in shorts and a dirty t-shirt. ( I was so proud ..not! ) . Out of the course he scored the worst girlfriend in the history of the universe, otherwise known as the Troll, and an actual job. I was shocked , which was bad of me, but pleased. Then it turns out he's earning more than me. C'est la vie.

Next surprise he loses the job. The troll has been lurking outside his work and he's been nipping out to see her all the time.I could have slapped him, if I could have caught him. He set of running about the time I got the phone call and all I saw when I looked round was dust. I also found out that all his wages had gone and all he had to show for it was a nipple ring for the Troll and a Prince Albert on himself. Yes I know he's only 16. Too afraid to come home he went to stay at a mates with the Troll. About this time I'd had about enough of the Troll anyway as she seem to have a pathological aversion to the truth , and she kept stealing from us, so she was banned from the house. They then got thrown out from the mates house because of, yes you guessed it, the Troll. They went living with her father. The Troll kept his cell phone in her bag, and deleted messages from the home phone so I couldn't talk to him. I think if I'd spotted her in the street I could probably come up with a laser death stare!

I needed to go into hospital and couldn't get hold of him so I called the Troll's dad at work. Oh my, now I know what the picture of spineless looks like in the dictionary. While I was on the phone explaining that if I didn't talk to my son soon I'd report him kidnapped he's bemoaning the fact that the Troll has emptied his bank account and racked up credit card bills on his card on the internet. What can I do he's saying. I thought "Well grow a spine" but said " How about changing the password and not telling her the new one". He actually said he didn't know if he could do that!!! Then he comments on how much Grumpy eats. ( Here he has a point my son seems to consume about double his body weight in food every day, common in teenagers I've heard.) My response.."Well send him home"....his response " The Troll wouldn't like that". He doesn't actually call her the Troll, she's his daughter after all.

Anyway the hospital visit brought a slight reconciliation and Grumpy has decided to restart school next year and do two years in one, which I'm very pleased about. Down side the Troll has decided to do this with him as apparently they're joined at the hip... or maybe at the piercings I don't know. When he visits it usually involves a phone call every 15 minutes to his mobile asking where he is and when he'll be back.

So anyway we got the state visit today and he helped Happy (9) and Psycho the little known 8th dwarf (7) put up the Christmas tree. He could only do this in short bursts as he also had to play on the X-box and empty the fridge and larder.

It was very funny watching him try and put up the fairy lights though. I had to go in and rescue him three times. I know I put them away tidy last year, but you know how it is. I think there was actually a tear in his eye when he found his tree ornament he made in Grade 1, so maybe I will be able to rescue him from the evil Troll and return to us , who can tell.

Oof! Just tried customising my page and that was hard work. Hope I learn as I go along!

New Blogger

This is my first ever go at this and we'll have to see how it goes. Will I be able to write anything I want to look back on, we shall see.

My aim is just to post comments on life as I see it, my life in particular which is just as boring and interesting as every one elses and in the process improve my writing skills. For that reason my blogs will probably be on varying subjects as the mood takes me.