Sunday, December 30, 2007

Grumpy has his first driving lesson

You'll have to excuse any typos, I've only just stopped laughing. Grumpy and the Troll turned up earlier, good to see them but what were they after? Apparently I was going to take him for a driving to me. Homer agreed to do it in my car. They came back and when he could speak again, which was about two hours later, he told me the story. Grumpy thought he could drive because he's driven an automatic, in a straight line. He can't.

Homer to Grumpy " Press the clutch in"
G to H " what all the way?"
H "yes, now put the car in first gear,"
G " what?"
H " In first gear".......long explanation of clutches and gears.
H " Right put the car in first gear, let the clutch off slowly.......holy ******.......I said slowly and, " peeling nose off windscreen," what about the hand brake!"
G " Hand brake?"
H: " Right , press in the clutch, put the car in first gear and then let out the clutch slowly whilst releasing the handbrake, and pressing lightly on the accelerator..................holy********** take your foot of the accelerator...holy****" At this point Homer says he was considering punching him unconcious but couldn't figure out how to reach the keys once he'd done it. They made some progress, now accompanied only by screams of " Get on your own side of the road, get back on the road, out of the f****** ditch, slow down, get your foot off the clutch, slow down" Homer reckons maybe the Troll's father had taken Grumpy out and it had scared him so much he was going to sell his new tank so he didn't have to do it again.
Turning point. At the end of the road H tells Grumpy to slowly turn across the road, which he does , but H hadn't told him to stop, so he kept going,up the kerb and into a field. Now, my cars only a little car so I'm quite worried about what may have gone on there. Next reversing ( out of a muddy field), Homer says he'll see about a new clutch next week. He must have got better though because Homer let him drive home. This led to the T junction at the bottom of our street.
H to G " Now slow down and go into first, slow down, SLOW DOWN.....TURN, TURN, OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF **** TURN" At which point Homer grabbed the steering wheel and turned the car.
After Homer had related this to me, in fits and starts, clasping whisky to his chest, I thought I would cheer him up. Guess what ...they have to do ten hours of night driving before they get a licence now. That brought on a bit of a relapse I'm afraid, and I had to refill the whisky glass.

While all this was going on the Troll was in the back seat of the car. Too scared to stay in the house with me? Hope so. Any way she never said a word, or screamed, or anything. It was either blind panic or she has more balls than I thought. Homer said she was very good, kept saying calm down and keep it cool and stuff , but I'm not sure if that was to Homer or Grumpy.

They're coming back tomorrow, guess what, I'm not taking them out driving.

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