Today was the day of the cardiac consultant appointment, so predictably I was tense and irritable all day. Homer said he'd pick me up from work at 12:30 to take me to the appointment, because I don't drive anywhere I haven't been before, and I hadn't been there before. Plus I would have panicked I was going to be late, and panicked that I wouldn't find a parking place, and panicked that I couldn't find the place, all in all probably inducing another heart attack.
He didn't pick me up until 12:45 and then went for petrol, by which time I was screaming at him, OK so I was reacting badly to the whole stress thing.
We did get there, only slightly late, and the doctor of course was running even later, so all in all I wasn't late, and it gave me time to calm down to a background level of hysteria rather than outright homicidal rage.
I get into the doctor and he looks at me, sprightly young thing that I am and asks why I am there. Uh? because I was sent, because apparently I had a heart attack, and my blood pressure is really high. He looks at my ECG and says , ooh yes, lets do another one, to compare.
"Are you active?"
"Do you smoke?"
"No, not for three weeks, one day and two hours, not that I'm counting."
He got me to lie on the bed, "Strip off to the waist, everything including the bra." Off everything comes, and I'm a little uncomfortable lying half naked on a bed without so much as a sheet to cover my modesty whilst he attaches electrodes here, there and everywhere. " MM MM , uh uh ..ooh, "
"What, what, is it beating ? what?"
"Oh sorry, yes oh, um yes, oh see, yes you did have small heart attack. Only a small one though."
I'm thinking, " What? before or just now whilst you were putting the fear of god into me tutting over my ECG?"
" I'll just check your BP." He does this as I'm lying on the bed, still naked. "OOH, that's high." No s**t Sherlock a complete stranger has me lying semi naked on a bed.
"When was the last time you had a mammogram?"
"I haven't, I am too young for the regular program."
"Oh. I'll just do an exam then."
??? " Go for it, knock yourself out." He missed my sarcasm and copped a feel. "Very good." I have got a good rack on me but puleese you're a cardiologist. That was just a free grope because I'm twenty-five years younger than your normal patients. (Homer says actually I'm only fifteen years younger than his normal patients and therefore I qualify as old, and the doctor is a different sort of pervert, so that's OK then!)
He rechecked my blood pressure, which surprisingly enough was still high. "Would you like to put some clothes on?"
"Well actually, if you let me put some clothes on and give me a minute my BP may come down." It didn't though.
"Do you snore?"
"I don't know, I'm asleep."
"I think you have sleep apnoea, maybe you should have a test for that."
"Actually in the last two weeks I have found out that I have had a heart attack, have very high blood pressure and may be a diabetic. I am also becoming psychotic, if you don't believe me ask my family. Do you think we could hold off on yet another diagnosis?"
So upshot of the day,
Yes I had a heart attack, but it was only a small one.
Yes my blood pressure is very high, here are some tablets.
My cholesterol is fine, but that doesn't mean I can start eating lard butties again.
My breast exam was good. (who for?)
I have to have the diabetes test as that is the only reason someone as young as me has a heart attack.
No, I can't start smoking again, and yes I did ask him, you never know, he might have said yes!!!!
I went to a friends gym and enquired about personal training on the basis that losing weight and getting fit will lower my blood pressure, relieve my stress, remove my borderline diabetes and probably cure any sleep apnoea that I have.
Things I have Said To My Husband Today
2 years ago